28 July 2010

Dear Suebob

A new feature in which Suebob dialogues about your pressing etiquette questions:

Questioner: Is it ok if I squat to pee instead of sitting in a public restroom?
Suebob: Butt-related toilet seat disease transmission is actually quite rare, but whatever floats your boat.
Questioner: Is it ok if I put my feet on the seat and squat there?
Suebob: Hell no. What is wrong with you? Were your thigh muscles removed? This is WHY you do squats at the gym. Get your disgusting feet off the seat.
Questioner: That's the way we do it where I am from.
Suebob: Are you from Dumbassville?
Questioner: What if I pee on the seat?
Suebob: Clean it up.
Questioner: Clean it up? Me, clean up pee? That is gross.

Suebob: Not compared to coming in and finding a toilet seat all covered in pee.
Questioner: How am I supposed to clean it up?
Suebob: I don't care. Take a piece of toilet paper, a butt gasket, a wet wipe or what have you and clean it up. It's not calculus, people.
Questioner: Why do I have to clean it up? (emphasis on I)
Suebob: You made the mess.
Questioner: But I am not the kind of person who cleans up pee. I'm special.
Suebob: I know. You are the kind of person whose parents, who were obviously of a non-human species, told you that you didn't have to take any responsibility for anything you did. When you go home to the place under the rock where you crawled out from, tell them they did a great job, OK?

12 comments:

Schmutzie said...

Whenever I come across a toilet seat covered in pee, even though I am not in any way going to touch it, I wonder what the HELL is wrong with the person who left it. Wipe! It's your own pee, Princess!

jenB said...

I sit on the seat. Since I don't think you can get pregnant or herpes from toilet seats anymore, I sit and do my thing. I also wipe if I drip or even OTHER people's drips and then autoclave my entire body afterward. Washing your hands can leave you remarkably healthy.

GO Suebob Go! I can't wait until Laurie sees this! ha!

Adrienne said...

My brother taught my nephew to slip off his shoe and clean the pee seat with his stockinged foot.
Needless to say they both got smacked the first time his mom saw.

MFA Mama said...

As much as I hate hover-pissers, hover-pissing breeds MORE hover-pissing (because usually I'll wipe the seat and then sit but if I'm in a hurry and it's splashed then yeah, guilty as charged).

Women of the world, join me in ending this! We just all have to stop doing it at the same time and break the vicious cycle!

Ericka said...

every bathroom in my office building had a sign posted somewhere along the lines of "if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat."

sad thing is we had someone who hovered for number 2, missed entirely and just left it for someone else to clean - 3 times in one week! *shudder*

Rachel said...

I might tape this to the cabinet above the toilet in the only bathroom I share with a bunch of guys at work.

I will not use a toilet that has piss already on it. Nope.

(and EWWW, to Adrienne.)

Kalyn said...

When I went to China, I had this problem everywhere. They're used to squat toilets in the ground, so everyone squats to pee, no one wipes off the pee. Ugh.

Elaine said...

How timely! I just went to the bathroom at work and sat in/on someone's pee dribbles. I now must go boil my ass.

At work, I just sit on the seat and this is the first time in 5 years I have had a problem. There must be someone new on my floor.

For a few months, someone kept peeing on the floor in the handicapped stall but then that ceased as quickly as it had started.

It's like I always say, people are gross.

Gretchen said...

I always say people who have a problem sitting on the seat in public restrooms didn't spend enough time in campground pit toilets infested with bees when they were kids.

Aunt Snow said...

No kidding!

I sit on the seat, too, but of course if there is pee on it I wipe it off first. AND I wipe if I dribble.

and as for putting your feet on the seat - well, turning the tables, the first time I ever saw a Turkish toilet in France, I had to hold my water till we found a cafe. I could not imagine myself taking the position.

But I have to applaud someone who can manage it, and wonder whether their choice of putting feet on American seats is a pretty logical adaptation.

Must be awfully flexible, is all I have to say.

Julie said...

I have actually left notes for those special folks who leave the asspaper on the seat after they go, in our office building. Yes, the person who is so phobic about germs or who cannot learn how to squat, but thinks that someone else would like to come in and remove the paper where their ass sat.
Makes me want to leave them a river pickle.

Rebecca said...

This is awesome. I wish everyone could read this. I HATE pee on the seat.

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