I am so excited to STILL be in the running for Bachelor: Scent of Desperation, the show for middle-aged singles who are willing to utterly humiliate and debase themselves for a long, long shot at love.
Yes, after only 47 weeks, we are down to four finalists vying for the affections of the AMAZING Bachelor, Rex, who owns his own Rooter Dude franchise. I think I might have impressed him with the gymnastic tricks those Chinese acrobat girls I met taught me, but who knows? I'm in, that's all that counts!
Rex is truly the whole package. At our age, he doesn't exactly have six-pack abs, but he looks mighty fine in a pair of size 46 khaki Dockers!
I had the most fascinating conversation with him on my hometown date. Let's listen in, shall we?
Rex: You are the most amazing woman I have ever met.
Suebob: Save it for that blonde with the big knockers. I think she actually believes you when you say that.
Rex: I'm looking at the long-term.
Suebob: And I'm just hoping this dinner ends in creme brulee.
Rex: Could you picture yourself married to me?
Suebob: Oh, I can picture it. Though sometimes I also picture my car going over the edge when I am on a tall bridge, so I'm not sure how much that counts for.
Rex: The problem is that I'm falling in love with three other women at the same time.
Suebob: You know only a real jerk would say that, right?
Rex: I'm worried that you don't open up to me.
Suebob: Why does that sentence always sound so filthy to me? And not in a good way.
Rex: I can't wait to meet your family.
Suebob: Let's just hope it isn't a Lysol day.
Rex: Do you think they will like me?
Suebob: If past history is the best predictor of future behavior, not a chance in hell.
Rex: Do they live in a charming, spotlessly clean, extremely large country-style home like the rest of the families on this show?
Suebob: Just turn left across the railroad tracks, swerve to avoid the standing water and look for the first trailer without broken-out windows. That would be the place.
Rex: Do you want to put on swimsuits and frolic around in the water like they do every 20 minutes on the other Bachelor?
Suebob: For the middle-aged Bachelor, we have a contractual obligation NOT to remove any clothing.
Rex: Well, what do you want to do, then?
Suebob: Let's put it this way - I'll do whatever I have to do to get to the Romantic Island date. I'm pretty sure there's a cabana boy there who needs to learn the arts of love from a fantastically hot older woman such as myself.
So that's where it stands, folks. Stay tuned for the most dramatic Rose Ceremony ever, when one of our ladies rips another's sleazy-looking weave out! Find out who it will be next week on Bachelor: Scent of Desperation!