01 January 2010

I like Candy

Background: My 50-ish friend is a total dog. He is an incorrigible flirt and tries to pick up women wherever he goes. It's like a reflex - he just can't help it.

We are on a trip to Whole Foods and the cashier is this cute Bettie Page-looking girl, if Bettie Page were platinum blonde and had many tats and piercings. Her nametag says "Candice."

My Friend the Dog, in his best deep newscaster voice he uses when he is trying to pick up girls: So, they call you Candy, do they?
Candice: Pardon?
My Friend the Dog: So, they call you Candy, do they?
Candice: Well, nobody except creepy old guys.
Suebob: [howling]
Candice: I mean, I don't mean YOU. I mean, it's just...
Suebob: [howling]
My Friend the Dog: Touché. I guess I deserved that.

I gotta give it to him, he took it pretty well.

31 December 2009

New math

Trader Joe's Cashier: That will be $19.41
Suebob: Interestingly, that was also the year I was born.
Trader Joe's Cashier: Neat
Suebob: [waiting for the light to dawn] Yes, a long, long time ago
Trader Joe's Cashier: Since it's your birthday, do you want a lollipop?
Suebob: [still waiting for the light to dawn] Um, no, that's ok. At my age, I really shouldn't.
Trader Joe's Cashier: It's pomegranate flavor.
Suebob: [giving up] Oh, ok - antioxidants! They can help reverse the aging process you know. I eat a lot of pomegranates.
Trader Joe's Cashier: Ok, well, have a good day then.
Suebob: [muttering as I leave] Damn California school system. Damn Proposition 13. Nobody has any math skills anymore. Do I LOOK 68? Wait...don't answer that.

29 December 2009

Jumpin' Gyminie

I got a new swimsuit that is perhaps a bit more low-cut than I had anticipated it being.

Because I am a cheap bastard, I bought it from Land's End Overstocks.

I love their swimsuits - they wear really well, come in a zillion styles, and they make a size for people with freakishly long torsos such as myself. The cheap bastard part comes in because I will buy almost anything that is on sale and not entirely hideous.

I exercise in these things, not lay on the pool deck waiting for my mojito, so style is not a big concern.

This suit is cute but, as I said, cut really low for my taste.

But I'm in an aqua aerobics class with all women, so who cares, right?

At the end of class, we put the lane lines back in place for the swimmers. Because our teacher always runs late and because swimmers seem to be compulsively on time, there are often swimmers waiting for us to finish.

There was an older man - maybe 70ish - waiting in my lane as I pulled the lane line in. I had to struggle a bit, twisting and turning as I fought to put the hook in the wall as I pulled the line taut.

"Pardon me," I said to the man as I crossed in front of him.

Looking right down my suit, with eyes boinging out like a cartoon cat, he said "Oh, NO PROBLEM."

Glad I could make his day.
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