04 February 2009

File under "What were they thinking?"

I was having lunch with three friends when a man at the table behind us changed subjects from "How Much I Hated Having an MRI" to "Something That Came Out My Ass."

Yes, right in the middle of my chile relleno, this middle-aged cable guy started telling his friend, in graphic detail, about something that he looked down and saw in the toilet.

Our friends across the table couldn't hear it, but James and I could. We sat there in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds, then started to try not to laugh.

We snorted. Our shoulders shook.

And then, all of a sudden, we busted loose. I think it hit us simultaneously - this guy is talking about a crap he took, and we're trying to be polite? Aw, hell no.

James and I started laughing loud and long as Rachel and Matt looked at us, uncomprehending.

The man with the impressive crap realized what was going on after a minute, and stood up, offended, and stomped off with his poor, shit-beleagured friend. I guess he showed us!

After James and I filled Matt and Rachel in on what had happened (if you want to know the exact quote, email me. I cannot in good conscience put it out on the public pixelsphere), Matt asked "How does that even come up?"

I said "You know all those conversations where you start "Hey, Suebob, have I ever told you about this thing that came out my ass one time?"

I don't know how we ever finished our tacos. OMG, my people. OMG.

01 February 2009

25 Random Things

Ok, ok, I'll do the facebook meme. I got tagged by a couple people, but I'm too lazy to tag anyone, and it is probably too late since the whole world has been tagged already.

You're supposed to write 25 random things that people don't already know about you. Dude, I have been blogging for almost 1000 posts just on THIS blog. What is there left?

1. I don't miss sex bad enough to do anything about it. Yet.

2. My favorite color is indigo.

3. My favorite place is the beach.

4. The scent of black pepper makes me weak in the knees.

5. I have only ever seen 2 tattoos I liked. One is on a regular reader. The other one I'm not telling so I can tell you that it is yours.

6. I'm also not big on the piercings. Sorry, kids.

7. I have a ridiculously sensitive sense of smell.

8. Which is too bad, because I fart a lot.

9. Sensitive hearing, too. Most movies seem WAY TOO LOUD.

10. So think how much fun I am in a club. Hoo boy. I'll be the one over in the corner, cringing.

11. I spend most of my time alone, yet almost never get lonely.

12. I have a rebellious streak a mile wide.

13. Group activities irritate me just by the mere fact that they are group activities.

14. I could eat the Oxford English Dictionary up with a spoon. It might take me a while, but I could.

15. Which reminds me - I think competitive eating contests are one of the most disgusting things on earth, for many reasons.

16. I want to go back to school but have no idea what my masters should be in. I will take suggestions.

17. I'm mostly a vegetarian because I don't like meat, not for any nobler purpose.

18. I get earworms really, really badly, so I am kind of afraid to listen to music. There's always the chance that what I listen to will end up in my head constantly for 6 months. Seriously.

19. I sleep badly from 3 to 5 am, but 5:30 to 7 is golden.

20. I have to get up for work at 5:30

21. It cracks me up when people pity me. They don't know what they are doing.

22. I love men with shaved legs. Vive la tour de France.

23. My one big regret is not learning to play a musical instrument.

24. One of my closest girlfriends and I talk about everything but men and relationships. It isn't a subject that comes up between us. Ever.

25. I think life is silly, but I like it that way.
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