10 October 2009

So There I Was, Sitting On The Toilet

THAT's a great title for a blog post, doncha think? Especially coming from me, who shuns all discussions bowel-related, who has been known to unfollow people on Twitter - even people whom I really, really love - when they mention poo.

But it's true, there I was. And I heard this noise.

Fwwwwipppppp.
Fwwwwipppppp.

I had never heard the noise before. It wasn't a leaking or running water sound. I looked round at the toilet tank.

Fwwwwipppppp.

What the hell. It sounded like nothing else. I tried to feel if the sound was emerging from ME.

"Is that my BUTT????" I thought. "But I can't even FEEL my butt making that noise! How can that be?? Is my butt making noise I can't feel? I know I am old and feeble, but still - should I not be able to feel my own rear end?"

Fwwwwipppppp.

WHAAAAAT? Was something collapsing? Breaking? Dripping? It didn't sound like ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

Fwwwwipppppp.

Gah!

Finally I stood up and went to shut the bathroom window and caught a movement out of the corner of my eye.

I saw a guy in the parking lot of the apartments behind my house.

He was standing at the dumpster, holding the lid open with one hand, downing a giant can of beer in big sips as fast as he could.

Fwwwwipppppp.
Fwwwwipppppp.
Fwwwwipppppp.

He must have someone inside the apartment who he doesn't want to know about his drinking. I saw him do this again tonight. He goes out, holds the dumpster open, and SUCKS down the beer.

Dude. Don't you know that they can smell the beer? Next time, stash some vodka out there. And try to be quiet.

But really? I'm just thankful it isn't my rear end making stealth noises.

9 comments:

Mik said...

Of course being a guy, I wouldn't have thought twice about the sound and just assumed it was coming from me.

Joe Crawford (artlung) said...

Awesome. What's the opposite of "surreptitious" ?

Cafe Pasadena said...

Yeah, great post. But is your post title supposed to be original?!

meno said...

Wow, sadly desperate (him), but funny (you).

Schmutzie said...

Man. That's sad for him but happy for you. Life is complex.

If he were smarter, he would walk just a little further away, and maybe around a corner, and then he could take a little time to enjoy that beer he's drinking. Unless he's got one of those ankle bracelet alarm things on his ankle that keeps him from walking too far.

I am way overthinking this.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I am also really glad it wasn't your butt making that sound.

nonlineargirl said...

This post may require you to refollow all those unfollowed tweeters.

Noelle said...

Awesome story (and title!)

flurrious said...

My next door neighbor usually swigs whiskey straight from the bottle while standing next to his open car trunk. He parks in the street, so I don't think he's trying to hide from anyone, although it could be that he's just too drunk to know the difference. I also saw him peeing up against the side of his house one time, which was equal parts gross and sad.

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