28 September 2009

Welcome to California! Or, Adventures in Dogwalking Part 81

Goldie glows

Dear German Tourist Couple,

Yes, it was a lovely sunset, wasn't it? You looked like you were enjoying yourselves, walking along the beach path holding hands, in your comfortable, well-made shoes and natural-fiber clothing.

I'm sorry about the screaming.

I certainly did not mean to startle you. I know that the scene looked all too typical - a chunky middle-aged woman in fat-ass yoga pants with a yellow dog on a leash, walking near the bushes just after sunset.

I did not mean to scream so loud, or for so long. But it was the rats.

Oh, you SAW the rats, that's right, I remember. Yes, we have rats here. Right along the scenic beach.

I thought Goldie might have been onto something when she stuck her head in the bush. But often as not, all she scares up are lizards. So the two large, fast-moving rats were quite a nasty surprise.

They ran RIGHT for me. So I screamed like a little girl. Except with the force of a grown-ass woman.

That was quite some dance I did, too. I'll bet you didn't know that we lard-assed Americans could put on such a spectacular show. I looked like someone from the 1972 East German Olympic gymnastics team, right? Or is that a painful subject?

I hope you can forgive these transgressions. We here in California certainly appreciate your tourist dollars, especially as the state is flat broke. Please return again, and spend freely.

But you might want to avoid those shrubberies next to the trash cans.

Your tour guide,
Suebob

7 comments:

flurrious said...

At least you didn't mention the war.

Joe Crawford (artlung) said...

I nominate Goldie for Ventura Chamber of Commerce!

Project Christopher said...

I am now back to comment after having to clean off my keyboard from the Diet Pepsi spit take I did reading this! What a scream! That was too funny and I can so see you doing it to!

Anonymous said...

The entire town is full of rats, not just at the beach. Mid-town, avenue, main street, east end - west saticoy as my dad likes to call it. RATS everywhere. They are running down you fence, eating the fruit off your trees, having babies in your wood pile, and your attic, chewing inside your walls at night. Listen - can you hear them??? Maybe I don't miss Ventura so much after all.

SUEB0B said...

Flurrious - You don't know how tempted I was.

Joe - Goldie is quite the greeting committee. Until she sneezes all over your pants.

Chris - glad to give you a laugh.

Anon - At least there are no rats around my house. Because a big bad-ass rat-killing dog lives here.

thecheekofgod said...

Playing this scene out in my head for the rest of the day? Thanks for the laughs . . .

Lisa Gioia-Acres said...

Rats! Spiders! Why can't we just take a walk without running into nature? Oh, yeah, that's the experience of it all. Liked your post. I just wrote one about running into spiders and freaking out.

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