28 September 2009
Welcome to California! Or, Adventures in Dogwalking Part 81
Dear German Tourist Couple,
Yes, it was a lovely sunset, wasn't it? You looked like you were enjoying yourselves, walking along the beach path holding hands, in your comfortable, well-made shoes and natural-fiber clothing.
I'm sorry about the screaming.
I certainly did not mean to startle you. I know that the scene looked all too typical - a chunky middle-aged woman in fat-ass yoga pants with a yellow dog on a leash, walking near the bushes just after sunset.
I did not mean to scream so loud, or for so long. But it was the rats.
Oh, you SAW the rats, that's right, I remember. Yes, we have rats here. Right along the scenic beach.
I thought Goldie might have been onto something when she stuck her head in the bush. But often as not, all she scares up are lizards. So the two large, fast-moving rats were quite a nasty surprise.
They ran RIGHT for me. So I screamed like a little girl. Except with the force of a grown-ass woman.
That was quite some dance I did, too. I'll bet you didn't know that we lard-assed Americans could put on such a spectacular show. I looked like someone from the 1972 East German Olympic gymnastics team, right? Or is that a painful subject?
I hope you can forgive these transgressions. We here in California certainly appreciate your tourist dollars, especially as the state is flat broke. Please return again, and spend freely.
But you might want to avoid those shrubberies next to the trash cans.
Your tour guide,