I am really sick of church, which is kind of bad, being as how I am a board member and all. Yeah, inconvenient.
The worst part is that I can't decide if it is actually for a good reason or just because I am pathologically unable to sustain a relationship - any relationship - for longer than three years.
Sigh. My brain is all wrong.
But when Sunday rolls around, I try to think of any excuse not to go to church. When I go, I enjoy it because of the people, but getting there is like walking in your most painful shoes. You just don't want to take that first step.
If I went to a church with 300 people, I could skip with no problem. But I don't. I go to a little church, so when I am missing, it is pretty obvious.
I have been involved in this church for a long time, but I never realized before how much it is based on this whole Law of Attraction/The Secret kind of thing. My old pastor was a Course in Miracles guy, not a "think of a pony and you'll get a pony" guy, and we never studied the basics of the church's teachings, so it just did not occur.
But I was mistaken. Once of the basic beliefs of my church is indeed the Law of Attraction. And you know how much I hate that nonsense.
The mush-brainedness of it continues to gall me. One of the notions is that you aren't supposed to think fear thoughts, lest those fears come true.
So during the Swine Flu scare, we put out hand sanitizer but we had to have a whole big dance-around speech about how we weren't going into fear thoughts but that we were just following Health Department orders...but NO FEAR THOUGHTS.
Holy cats, people. It is just hand sanitizer, not a condemnation of your fear-free brain. Germs exist. Get over it and clean yourself off.
(And if you think you are fear-free, you are SO lying. Unless you are an enlightened master. Which you aren't, because you're wasting your time reading blogs instead of going out and doing enlightened master stuff.)
Then this past week, the sermon was about how face-to-face interaction was good and computers were bad because they isolate us.
How about you? Do you feel isolated? Me, I'm looking forward to seeing Suzanne and Mar and Major Bedhead and Average Jane and about 200 of my other favorite isolated people in Chicago.
So I dunno. Maybe I am not cut out for this church thing. Maybe I need another church. Or a break. Or to suck it up and do something for longer than three years. Something. Right now I feel stuck with it until I get off the board in 6 months. Not that I'm counting. Pray for me.