26 May 2009

A long way from pirate pants

One of the great disappointments of my life has been, of course, Mel. You know who I'm talking about. THE Mel. But I want to know - how could a man who started out so good go so bad?

When I was in college, my girlfriends and I swooned over every one of Mel's movie appearances. We escaped from homework and went to distract ourselves with thoughts of Mel...ahhhh Mel.

He was the hottest thing since Tabasco sauce! Even with the movie theater air conditioning blasting, we had to dab our youthful, unlined brows with those little foldy paper napkins from the snack bar.

And how could we not? He started out as a leather-glad road warrior with a cute Aussie accent in Mad Max:


Then he steamed up the Indonesian tropics as idealistic cub reporter Guy Hamilton in "The Year of Living Dangerously," which left us all wanting to be Sigourney Weaver:


And who could ever forget that unbuttoned shirt and the ponytail and those pirate pants Mel wore as he played ultimate Sailor Bad Boy Fletcher Christian in The Bounty? Not me!

(Edited to add: a whole Internet and not a single photo of the pirate pants? What kind of cruel world IS this??)

We heard that Mel was happily married and quite religious and didn't believe in birth control. That put me off a bit, and soon other fantasy men replaced Mel in my affections, like all of the Team 7-11 Tour de France riders:

Why am I craving a Slurpee?...but I digress.

After college, Mel started doing sillier and sillier movies and I sort of lost track of him until he built a chapel for hardcore old-school Catholics in my area and he popped back onto my radar.

That didn't bother me. You can practice whatever religion you want, but when you proclaim your religion and then show up allegedly driving drunk and making anti-Semitic slurs and calling a female police officer "Sugar Tits," well, I'm outie.

I have this theory about drunkenness. People generally become more of what they really, truly are when they get intoxicated. The person with sublimated rage starts throwing punches. The comic starts getting sillier. And the anti-Semite anti-feminist? He starts acting like Mel did.

Mugshot

Oh, and Mel? If you're gonna try to keep working in Hollywood, you might wanta get right with Judaism. Just sayin' that Msrs. Katzenburg, Spielberg and Glazer might not wanna hear your theory about how Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.

But losing faith in Mel back then was convenient, because now I don't have to get irritated because of this whole Russian pregnant girlfriend/divorce mess and I don't have to point out that, hey, don't old-school Catholics generally disapprove of divorce? Because that would be unkind of me to say, wouldn't it?

Almost as unkind as posting a photo like this:

Don't worry, man. I'm sure she loves you for your personality.

17 comments:

Listen Up, MoFos! said...

Uuummm, he's smoking in the presence of his pregnant girlfriend? How very Catholic and considerate of him. I feel your disappointment, I too was a lover of Mel. That all ended with that movie about Jesus. So long Mel!

Kizz said...

Don't forget Gallipoli, either. Sad, sad losses, the Mad Maxes, Gallipoli, Year of Living Dangerously....too bad he's an asshole. I guess this is why some people refuse to read anything about a movie actor's life so it doesn't spoil the movies. I can't help it, though, I need all the information.

Julie said...

I was thinking about this today as well. I remember an interview where he said his wife was going to hell for not being catholic. And now this. He's really just such a tool and his looks left a long time ago.

Stacy said...

I think I still have marks on my knee where you dug your nails in during the sauna scene in Year of Living Dangerously. 'Good' Mel with a good friend at the Rainbow Theater on bargain night, it doesn't get better than that!

the queen said...

I feel your pain, I feel your pain. Why must they go bad? Why?

Lauren said...

Hey just wanted to let you know that I'd be linking to this post. I don't necessarily agree with your opinion and I feel like writing my own, which in no way is saying that I think you are wrong and I'm right, just that we have differing opinions

enJAYneer said...

nice post... thanks for sharing...

-enJAYneer-
JAYtography: An Online Travelogue

g said...

Oh, ow. Damn. He looks like he ought to be hoisting a few at the Legionnaire's bar.

Mignon said...

g, that was funny.

I was thinking what a drag it is that when men age they seem to get hotter - except they get to a point where their ears sag, and then they've totally jumped the shark.

At least he's a joke now. A joke bigot. Stick that in your box office, Mel.

Traceytreasure said...

I watch TMZ all the time and I had to hear from you why they are getting divorced....
Thanks! I didn't know about the pregnant girlfriend. That's a deal breaker!

Hugs!!

LittlePea said...

I just love a little hypocrisy in the afternoon. But I was never that big a fan of his in the first place. I mean he did break my heart a little in The Bounty but my heart always belonged to Johnny Depp.

Signs is on of my favorite movies though.

meno said...

I can't tell if it's the jowls, or that his neck got about twice as thick, but where he used to reign HOT, now he reigns NOT!

Plus he's a douche.

apathy lounge said...

He's gross. Just. Completely. Gross.

Ericka said...

i've never understood the allure. i thought he was a tool years and years ago. it's so hard, being right all the time...

debangel said...

::wootwootwoot:: Go, SueBob! Mel is such a tool :-P

Mignon, I'm gonna be laughing about him "jumping the shark" all night!

Suzanne said...

SNARK! I love it. I also have been huffing and puffing about how he conveniently does not follow his own strict religious views while busily imposing them on others. Harumph.

Speaking of religious views, I rarely partake in religious events, but tonight is Shavuot, the holiday in which we celebrate Moses getting the Torah, which gave us kosher laws. Since no one's pans were kosher for meat in advance of these new laws, people ate a lot of dairy until they could kosherize their cookware. Hence, the JCC across the street from me is giving out free cheesecake! Man, that is how holidays should be celebrated.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

He's starting to look like Jack Nicholson in that picture, and that is NOT a good thing.

I agree, people become more of who they are when drunk. My husband starts out silly, and gets VERY silly, but it's fun. :) Me? I get sleepy. But I'm always sleepy.

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