04 February 2009

File under "What were they thinking?"

I was having lunch with three friends when a man at the table behind us changed subjects from "How Much I Hated Having an MRI" to "Something That Came Out My Ass."

Yes, right in the middle of my chile relleno, this middle-aged cable guy started telling his friend, in graphic detail, about something that he looked down and saw in the toilet.

Our friends across the table couldn't hear it, but James and I could. We sat there in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds, then started to try not to laugh.

We snorted. Our shoulders shook.

And then, all of a sudden, we busted loose. I think it hit us simultaneously - this guy is talking about a crap he took, and we're trying to be polite? Aw, hell no.

James and I started laughing loud and long as Rachel and Matt looked at us, uncomprehending.

The man with the impressive crap realized what was going on after a minute, and stood up, offended, and stomped off with his poor, shit-beleagured friend. I guess he showed us!

After James and I filled Matt and Rachel in on what had happened (if you want to know the exact quote, email me. I cannot in good conscience put it out on the public pixelsphere), Matt asked "How does that even come up?"

I said "You know all those conversations where you start "Hey, Suebob, have I ever told you about this thing that came out my ass one time?"

I don't know how we ever finished our tacos. OMG, my people. OMG.

14 comments:

flutter said...

So this one time, at band camp....

Blog Antagonist said...

You know...as a Mom, I can endure a lot. Snot, pee, vomit, and yes, poop. Now that my boys are older, I no longer have to see so much of it, but I have to hear about it. Boys are gross. They think nothing of discussing the most disgusting things imaginable at the dinner table. So I have had to instill a strict "no bodily excretions" rule at the dinner table.

He maybe could benefit from a similar edict.

Amazing. Really. That someone would do something that rude.

Project Christopher said...

After 10 years in the Emergency Room my "What Were They Thinking" file is full to the brim. I have had to start sub-filing them under "medical attention needed", "Just needed a smack on the head" and "Darwin Award Winner/Thin the Herd"

I emailed for the quote, can't wait to hear!

thailandchani said...

LOL! I can't even begin to imagine!

An additional bafflement is that the guy talking thought for even a split second that his friend wanted to hear about it!

~*

LittlePea said...

I always thought that when people discuss personal things loud enough for the public to hear that it's because they WANT people to hear it. So, although he stopmed off in anger, there might be a starnge part of him that was happy someone else heard. Sound wierd? I have all these wierd theories.....

Traceytreasure said...

Please email the quote! I work in a health food store and I think I've heard it all! Please indulge me!!

Thanks and hugs!!

JustJayde said...

Reminds me of my dad who voluntarily tells everyone about his hemorrhoids and how they were removed. Friends, Acquaintances, strangers - all have heard the tales.

apathy lounge said...

This? Is one end of the dinner-talk spectrum. It's the gross end. The other is where my FIL didn't EVEN want to hear someone at the table saying "Remember that time I went to the store to buy diapers and...?" Even though the diapers you buy at the store come in a package and...yes...UN-used...we were not allowed to mention it. Can't imagine him hearing Cable Guy's conversation.

Kalyn said...

I am laughing out loud!

Red Flashlight said...

Ha! Funny. At dinner tonight my hband and I overheard a dude being totally trashed by a couple of very nasty dudettes at the next booth. What is it about restaurants that people think they can just hold forth, and no one cares??

Oh, and one dudette told an "I wasn't even that drunk" story about what happened to her car, and to explain her obvious and complicated neck brace.

Hmmm . . .

Suzanne said...

I am guilty of having that type of vile conversation in public. Although I should email for the quote and hope I'm not that bad. I can't be that bad, right? Oh, the guilt! On the other hand, maybe my bad behavior led to someone posting a hilarious blog post about the rude gross woman who talked about her digestive ailment at a restaurant one day, so perhaps it nets out...

mothergoosemouse said...

It's one thing to have that sort of conversation in public and have a sense of humor about it. But for him to get all pissy and stomp off? Dude, you are taking shit way too seriously.

JCK said...

That was hysterical!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Nice.

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