22 January 2009

I blame the homosexuals

Look, I am cranky at the best of times, that I will not deny. Then there's the seasonal affective disorder which makes the months of November-February feel like a swirling black hole of prickliness and ennui. That's normal (and yes, I know about the light box. Tried it. Does not fit into my life schedule).

This very morning I had to apologize to the lovely and talented Heather B. for busting her chops about the Grace in Small Things meme. I threatened to quit reading her blog for a whole year because of her participation. The exact phrase, I believe, was "Wake me when it is over."

Yes, I am a jerk.

But this menopause thing has cranked things up a couple thousand notches. Get out of my way, people, because my hormones and I are coming through. Like it or not.

The estrogen cream from the health food store works great to keep my Raging Bitch-self in check.

But there's a problem. The one, the only health food store in town that sells the magic goop is run by a man who gave over $25,000 to the Yes on Prop 8 campaign - the initiative that banned same-sex marriage in my state.

When I heard that, I vowed to boycott and have stuck to that. I am in no way going to give them my $34.95 so that they can oppress my friends. I mean, a political donation isn't exactly burning people at the stake, but still. Having my money used against civil rights...no. (I am practically Nelson Mandela here in my saintliness, aren't I?)

I have been magic goop-free for about a week and the world around me is paying for it. Grrr. Trying to cut me off in traffic? I WILL CUT YOU! Do not mess! Doing the Grace in Small Things meme? You are dead to me! You stupid bloggers don't know what kind of hell I can bring!

I blame the homosexuals. I try to do the right thing for them and this is what happens.

(No, honest, I'm driving up to Ojai to Rainbow Bridge (not making this up) for non-evil magic goop tomorrow at lunch. Sure, it is 15 miles one way, but I have my scruples. And it is a really pretty drive. As long as no one gets in my way.)

22 comments:

ewoman said...

As much as I want to hug you, I'll stay out of your way! LOL!

Loralee Choate said...

This totally makes me want to make out with you.

The bitch factor would just make it hot, so I'm good with it.

HEE

Dave2 said...

Mail order?

Deb on the Rocks said...

You just keep rocking your bad self. Nothing wrong with an opinion. But if you want your lady cream, the homosexuals will get you your lady cream. I bet some lovely queens know where to get it for a steal. It's the least our community can do for a diehard supporter.

Ericka said...

online shopping, m'dear. it can cure all ills AND it keeps you from killing idiots at the store.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

Um, can you buy the goop online? If not, want me to send you some? I will...but only if you participate in the "Grace in Small Things" meme, and name me as one of the things you are thankful for.

Not kidding.

And Heather B, I for one have done versions of this meme myself, and it helps me get through the hard times. I was 2008's bitch, and so I needed some good little silver lining once in awhile, right?

Sister Wolf said...

I TOTALLY understand why you don't wanna order online. They will sell your name to millions of retailers and soon you'll be getting offers of denture cleaner, canes, the whole nine yards!

Gwen said...

What? No! Don't blame it on hormones! Because I'm really a big chicken, I love me a bitch who can speak her mind.

Project Christopher said...

GIRL! Tell me what it is you want to get from that story and THIS homosexual will get it for you and ship it to CA for you. (seriously!)

I want you on an even keel, but I applaud your sticking to your guns.

Besides, we gays know about being a bitchy queen! (we just don't need hormones to get to that level of being :) )

Heather B. said...

I kept meaning to write you back but I was on a plane when I saw your email and then got home and promptly fell asleep. It's fine. I promise. And trust me, I have been known to be a straight up bitch to anyone and everyone when I'm PMSing (well and not PMSing). It's all good and I do understand. It's for myself so that I at least take five seconds of each day to be thankful for something instead of going to bed angry and ornery. Probably boring to others but hey, I do what I do to get by.

It's all good, my dear.

meno said...

Estrogen Creme? Tell me more. I am in hell here. I probably have a hot flash every 40 minutes, and my body thinks i need to be awake for them.

lizriz said...

Good for you!

And worse than something like that meme is peeps pulling their twitter feed into their blog as a post.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Ruth Dynamite said...

Oh how I can relate.

Cafe Observer said...

If we knew everything about everybody we interact with, we would have something against everyone, thus being left only alone with ourselves as one.

Yet, while we may have that one thing against another which divides us, if we really knew that person we probably would find we have much more in common with that person compared to those on "our side."

Pardon my grammar!

Caffeinatrix said...

Black cohosh...the miracle herb. I'm not menopausal yet but I've needed an estro boost since my first kid was born and I know the raging evil you speak of. Try the Black Cohosh...it's available at any vitamin store, Whole Foods etc.

Mrs. G. said...

Oh Anthony Bourdaine!

mothergoosemouse said...

Suebob, I love you. You are always YOU.

Deodand said...

Suebob, I'm on your side. I wrote about it on my blog.

Jessica said...

I would cheat on my husband if I had 20 minutes alone with Mr Bourdain in a walk-in. OK, no I wouldn't, but I sure would think about it! Hmmm, but wait - my husband is a chef, so he just might cheat on me with....

Am I the only one who finds it a little odd that a health food store owner would be so anti-equal rights?

And when will someone make some Xanax cream, huh? I'd be rubbing that sh*t in from head to toe right about now.

Sounds like you may have a box o' cream at your door any day now!

Traceytreasure said...

I wish there was an easier way for you to get your magic goop! You could always get it where I work and you'd make my day!! You're the only famous person I know via my blog!!

Hugs!!

Suzanne said...

I am with the mail order comment contingent. Not killing idiots at the store is a very good thing. I know this for a fact...

Schmutzie said...

Why do I get such a kick out of how much you hate my meme? I love it.

I like you bitchy.

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