16 September 2008

Planning for retirement: my life so far

1986
Employer: Come and work for us! If you work hard and stick around, we will take care of you in retirement. We have money set aside!
Sb: Great! A deal just like my dad had. Sweet!

1994
Employer:
Um, we lost the money by investing in a jojoba bean farm.
(I am not making this up).

1996
Employer: We finally decided that, since we don't have a retirement plan, we're going to let you invest your OWN money. How does that sound?
Sb: I really don't know anything about investing.
Employer: No problem, we have an investment advisor!

1999
Sb:
It doesn't seem like I am making much money off these investments
Investment Advisor: You need to invest in the internet! Everyone is doing it!
Sb: Are you sure?
Investment Advisor: You would be stupid not to!

2000
Sb:
OMG I am getting rich! This is great!

2001
Sb:
What do you mean, my Pets.com stock is worthless! Impossible!
(There was sobbing! Then 9/11 happened! Life was horrible and scary! I fell in love! I quit my job! I moved! I went back to school!)


2005
New Employer:
We offer excellent benefits including a 6% 401k match
Sb: Sign me up! And I'm so happy that the stock market has stabilized somewhat. Everything is good now, right?
Investment Advisor: You have to invest for the long term.
Sb: And I had better put in every spare penny because I have to make up for lost time!

2008
Government: Oh, hai, we let the banks and investment houses get all tangled up and it's kinda complicated, but the economy is screwed and we're going to use your tax dollars to fix everything, m'kay?
Sb: My retirement plans include a van parked down by the river and a simple, starchy diet.

How about you?

29 comments:

Amanda said...

My retirement plan consists of returning to work when my kids are both in school and then saving almost everything I make. I'll still probably have to work until I drop dead at my desk.

Elena said...

I plan to develop that disease (pica - I think) where you can eat inappropriate things, such as sand, cardboard, tires....

Kizz said...

My plan is to die of an aneurysm and I expect it to happen any day now. In which case I shouldn't have packed my lunch today.

shoesonwrong said...

Do not scare the recent college graduate like that. BAD SUEBOB. BAD!

Now I need to go begin hoarding canned goods and weep about the economy in Michigan.

Mrs. G. said...

Retirement? What's that? I wish that I were joking.

Traceytreasure said...

Retirement plan? I didn't know that we could retire. With 4 kids, I'll be working to pay the car insurance, until I die, if nothing else.

It's a depressing thought but I don't have one because I don't think I'll be retiring, except to bed, tonight, if I make it through the day......

")

Hugs!!!

mar said...

powerball?
that's not a plan?
how's tiaa-cref doing? wait, don't tell me!

Schmutzie said...

I have given you an award:
http://www.schmutzie.com/2008/09/kick-ass-blogger-award.html

thailandchani said...

Might as well hoard it all in a mattress. :)


~*

Angella said...

Will there be a spot next to you that I can park *my* van? I'll bring chips.

lizriz said...

What's "retirement"?

judy in ky said...

Yeah, the old mattress is looking better and better!

Deb on the Rocks said...

My plan brings the awesome, and you are invited.

At the point of no return for making income to live on: Pull off heist involving interstate transfers of some kind to qualify as a federal crime.

Best case--we get away free & clear with enough money to at least live in a Hampton Inn with free breakfasts, hopefully with enough for even better, with a FT nurse at the ready for us.

Worst case--we are caught and get a few years in Federal prison where we rest and plot our next heist.

Are you in?

Count Mockula said...

Shhhh!!! I'm not thinking about it. La lalalalalalalala!

Mignon said...

I'm trying to eat a bunch of yellow-ish food, and perhaps I can fool someone into thinking the result is a golden egg...

brandy said...

We may need to share your van. I'll bring the namebrand-less mac & cheese.

g said...

Yes indeed. Invest in jars of peanut butter.

You know what's crazy? My future is actually in a public employer retirement account - and I think that's probably fucked, too.

claire said...

Boy, it's a good thing i saved all those savings bonds from 1986. I bet they're worth... just enough to buy a tank of gas.
Yeah, my retirement plan involves selling lemonade at the end of my driveway.

Alex Elliot said...

I think there will be a lot of us in our vans! As long as there's internet access....

Suzanne said...

deb on the rocks: that is probably the most brilliant plan I've ever heard. What scares me is that I am 100% serious. You are a genius.

Gwen said...

Yeah. I like how in our version of capitalism we privatize corporate profits while socializing their losses.

Maggie said...

I would be in with Deb on the Rocks as long as that's not a 'federal pound you in the ass' prison we'd go to.

nonlineargirl said...

Invest-mints? Are those tasty?

Susan C said...

Ugh! Our 401K accounts and other investments have taken a huge hit

Julie said...

I am stockpiling ramen noodles.

mothergoosemouse said...

I'm going to sell seashells by the seashore. And tend bar, like Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

(I had Enron stock in 2001. At least the Pets.com puppet got recycled by Bar None.)

Michelle Lamar said...

I will bring my double-wide and we can live all WT and be neighbors. Once again, the wisdom of the red stapler rules. I am can't even write about it. It's just so wrong.

Issas Crazy World said...

My great grandpa used to put money in old Pepsi tins and hide them in weird places around his house. I think i want to go to doing that.

We've been lucky in the past and lately had put most of it into a business for my husband. So basically um...what savings? Retirement, what's that? I just hope my kids get rich.

marisa said...

Wait, you mean a 401K is not a huge diamond ring? ~ And what if I was just hoping Social Security benefits would (a) still be around when I reach 65, and (b) be enough to say, eat.

Sigh. I'm glad your post was so damn funny because otherwise the truth would really hurt! I gotta find me a van.....

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