18 May 2008

How did it come to this?

Here I am in Washington D.C., in a photo taken by a nice Australian horse-trainer woman:
Sue and the Capitol
Wow. Nice big building, huh? And what a nice big girl.

It's shocking to me because I don't think of myself being that fat. I have managed to avoid full-body photos for years (I am tall! I will stand in the back!) and when I look in the mirror, there is obviously some serious selective mental editing going on.

Because. Wow. Fat.

And it's not like I don't know what causes it. Like every other fat person on earth, I can quote calorie counts in detail for every food item, even those I don't consume (Frinstance - soda = 120 calories a can. I haven't had a soda since I can't remember).

And it's not like I don't know the number. The scale at the gym still works, even when you have to push the big weight over 4 clicks til you get past 200 and then add more on with the little slidey part: 207 lbs yesterday.

I could have a list of excuses. The sedentary job. The time commuting and seeing my parents every day. The bad back. On and on. But I'm a little tired of excuses, aren't you?

The real truth? I have this weird rebellious streak. I hate being told how to be, what to do. So the more people tried to get me to lose weight, the more I had to be different.

And stupid. I mean, what the heck? "I'll show them, I'll be fat?" What kind of weirdness is that?

Fortunately some forces have converged in my life. Several of my overweight friends have gotten skinny healthy lately and they are inspiring me.

The other thing is that I am working on a Super Special Secret Project at work and my project partners are fully committed to getting and staying healthy and to helping others do the same. (One of them will be competing in the Ford Half Ironman today) I feel like I have 10 other people who are rooting for me and who expect the best of me.

So. Eating much, much better. Drinking less (which is key, because after a glass of wine, I lose all inhibitions about vacuuming that bowl of tortilla chips). Exercising more. Stretching. Checking in with my inspiring friends.

I have lost 5 lbs and that is good news. But the better news is that my mind is in the right place, at last, and I am happy to be on this journey.

37 comments:

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You're not fat. In fact, you're probably thinner than me.

Damn. That means *I'm* fat.

super des said...

I think you're absolutely gorgeous, dahlink. I can't say anything about eating healthy or exercising, because I don't do those myself. But you know, they're good for you and whatever. Do what you want, I say. I'm in a very forgiving mood today apparently.

Angela said...

You? Not fat. Don't ever think of yourself as fat. Congrats on the choice to become healthy! (I started down that road about six weeks ago, and I'm not sure Healthy I am, but I sure am happier!)

Lawyerish said...

You are so cute, and I love that pink sweater.

I just had a flashback to hoovering a big bowl of tortilla chips a few nights ago after a beer. Hrm. Heh.

Here's to healthy choices and feeling good!

grace said...

Huh. You don't look fat to me, but I guess it's a matter of self-perception, largely. Anyway, I'm sorry it's bothersome and I wish you well on your journey to feel better about it, however that comes about.

Staci Schoff said...

I think you're hot.

I had a moment a few years ago when I saw a picture of me and realized I did NOT look like my vision of myself and I was motivated to exercise and eat better.

Here's to your good health!

mar said...

well, i think you look fantastically curvy in that shot, but not 'fat'. and way cute & happy! (i wish i took pictures that well. me=not photogenic)
best wishes in your quest to get healthy. sounds like you're doing it for yourself & that's the important part.

zizyjfze

g said...

You look gorgeous! But I know what you mean - we have our own body-image stuck in our heads, and when we change, it's easy to feel loss.

I'm doing weight watchers. Slow and steady. It's great to have support from others.

Baby steps.

Piece of Work said...

Good for you, Suebob! I'm trying to lose all the pregnancy weight too, and the scale is just taunting me. I want results NOW! Not in a few weeks. Oh well. Thanks for inspiring me. Between you and sundry maybe I'll actually get in shape.

Miss Britt said...

Good for you. More important than the scale or the pictures is how it feels when you feel like you're in control of your body.

I remember that feeling...

debangel said...

I swear, I am not saying this because I like you...my first thought on seeing that picture was, "Wow! I didn't know Suebob was that curvy!". I think that's a gorgeous picture and you look very, very pretty in it.

However, obviously that weight is not where you want to be, so any support you can think of that I can give you, don't hesitate to ask! I lost 60 pounds myself, last year. I was 5'8", 211# and an 18W. Now I'm 150-155#, mostly an 8 with the occasional 10 thrown in for the girls...and I think I have a really similar build to yours. So, if you want to see my before-and-after shots, just promise not to laugh and I'll send 'em to you ;)

Amy Nathan said...

You look lovely! And yes, curvy, and like a real woman!

And when do your travels bring you to Chicago. We have really big buildings -- which means posing in front of them makes us look really small!

Suzanne said...

Well, I also think that you are adorable, but I also support your efforts to eat healthier and exercise more. Healthy living is a laudable goal.

Mignon said...

I'm glad you said that, about the rebellious streak. I've never been able to figure out why I detest jogging/joggers so much, and I think it's like you say: I'll never let someone else tell me how to lose weight, and seeing them is annoying reminder that jogging is how I lose weight.

It's good and inspiring to be surrounded by healthy people, although I've found that competitive marathoners and triathletes tend to obsess about exercise and diet, which also makes me rebel.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I am SO with you. While I don't see YOU as fat, I can identify with almost everything you said here on a personal level.

Blog Antagonist said...

We could be body twins! Well, except that I have more gut. Damn that last pregnancy to hell.

But you know...seeing that picture of you was good for me, because I tend to be very critical of myself. But I honestly think you look really nice. Not fat at all. Just...real.

And that means I probably look much nicer than I give myself credit for.

So, thanks!

Kizz said...

Isn't it odd how it'll be a random picture that suddenly sets off the buzzer to tell us we've changed? It was a face shot of me in a group Christmas photo that set me off on the healthier path about 18 months ago. I don't think you're fat but if you don't think you're healthy that's a great reason to work on it. Let us know if you need any help!

QT said...

I have to join in with the others and say I don't look at that photo and see a a fat person. But what we think doesn't matter. I know what you mean about liking the skin you are in. And don't forget - so much of it is a mental state, as long as you've got that in check, I think you're golden.

Greta said...

You're not fat. 100% not at all You totally need to come out with us at DTBMULF. We are to weight loss what Charlie's Angels was to law enforcement.

http://doesthisblogmakeuslookfat.com

Minnesota Matron said...

It's the journey, my dear. Even we skinny ones have weak spots in our bodies, in health, in our lives. Some are just more visible than others. Glad you're in a good place!!! that's the real battle.

Mrs. G. said...

We share the same rebellious streak. And similar hot, substantial asses.

Major Bedhead said...

I saw a bumper sticker years ago that read: Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
It summed up my fitness philosophy for many years, but now I'm heading down the same path you're on. Hopefully we'll both be more comfortable in our skin soon.

marisa said...

When this post came up in my Reader this morning I was going to comment right away to say you are lovely and all I see are great curves and a great smile ~ but everyone beat me to it! I agree with everyone here that you are beautiful ~ but send you anonymous blogger support on your goals of eating well, being active, and generally being even more kick-ass than you already are. Speaking of, I agree with mrs.g! I totally wish I had that bum! It's nice to see so much support sent your way ~ keep us posted on your journey!

Elizabeth said...

You are not fat! You have a great, curvy figure. But if you feel it needs improving, then you know you'll always have my support on that or any other journey you choose to take :)

Andrea said...

Yay Sueb0b! I'm a little late to this post (and can't see the picture because flickr is blocked by my work) but I think you're pretty no matter what. I've seen other pictures (that one you had earlier in your hotel room? You have a gorgeous smile.) I wanted to chime in my support because I'm going through the same thing, and it's hard. Especially with a busy life when eating healthy and exercising takes so. much. planning. It's hard to do when you don't have the time to begin with.

But you have to make time. And the beginning of that is mental, and I'm so glad you find yourself in a mental place that helps you find and realize your health goals. I'm over here rooting you on!

jessica said...

It's so funny - the first thing I thought when I saw that picture was, "She looks preppy!" I don't picture you as preppy.

And, I hear you, sista. I am eating Lindor Truffles RIGHT NOW, ten minutes after I vowed to eat "healthy." Here's hoping you have more fortitude than I do!

one smarmy mama said...

thats soo funny, because honestly I came over and scrolled down to see how many posts behind I am, and I scrolled past that photo and thought "wow, she looks so pretty......." and then came back and read how it's an "omg I'm fat" post. weirdo. living in so cal makes you have a warped perspective of your size methinks. I know it hits me everytime I go down for a visit how unfashionable I am, how fat I am, and how little plastic surgery I've had.

mama wants more said...

Good luck with your weight loss goals! I totally feel your pain. I don't think I'm fat, but I really am. When did that happen?

soupisnotafingerfood said...

I second what Miss Britt said... feels good to be in control. I dropped 20 earlier this year. I counted every blessed calorie that I consumed, including the alcohol ones. Know what made me start? I did the math on 2 drinks/night x 7 night/week x ... well, you get it. It scared me, not even because of the other potential risks associated with alcohol, but with 3500 calories in a pound, I was on pace to gain a buttload. I did not totally cut out alcohol, but I counted the calories. And like you, I know how many calories are in many items, such as one ounce of Absolut Ruby Red + Club Soda = 70 or 80 teeny tiny calories! Just sayin'.

Howabout I blogroll you and you blogroll me and we'll increase each other's traffic exponentially??

Sister Wolf said...

I'm sorry but you look gorgeous in that photo.

Christina said...

I understand how you feel, because I often feel the same way. But at the same time - you're a gorgeous woman! Stick-thin might be the thing if you're a teen, but real women have curves, and yours look good.

Congrats on the 5 pounds! Just remember to do what makes you feel good.

madness rivera said...

Before I read the post I was thinking, dang you got a nice booty. Do what feels good and healthy to you. Rock on, mama.

Jhianna said...

I'm really trying to get to that place mentally and even the full length shots of me aren't helping. Good for you!

West Coast Grrlie Blather said...

Finally - someone I can have a clothes swap with!

I have a recent photo of myself and I had the same reaction to it as you did to the photo of you in DC - 'Dang! Who knew?'

Being healthy is the name of the game. I just wish I could internalize that message a little better.

Nancy said...

I was thinking when I saw the picture how much I liked it. I think it's a great picture of you. Awesome smile.

And I never, ever once have considered you fat, so when I got to that part I was actually shocked.

But I hear what you're saying about wanting to feel better in the body than the reality that photos sometimes display. I've started watching what I eat again and it feels great. I am happy to be on this journey too.

(We can go together on this journey! I'll bring the double chocolate brownies, and you can bring the cheesecake.)

(Oh. Never mind.)

Lola Goetz said...

go you! i lost all of my baby weight, but the baby is now 6 months old and i have gained at least 5 lbs. i need to work on that. thanks for the inspiration (your words, they remind me to be more present when i eat and drink)

Al_Pal said...

You look great! Nice booty, trim upper arms--yeah, you look like probably a regular XL, but not fat! (especially as you said you're tall--I got up to 200 at the end of college, which was too much at 5'4", and cutting out beer and hormonal BC and a lame bf helped me drop a few dozen pounds over a couple years.)
I wish you luck in your healthiness program!
I love to dance and move my hips. It helps with my back problems, too!
Cheers,
Al Pal [VDog's sister]

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