13 May 2008

Anniversary

My sister Laura died a year ago today. Conventional wisdom tells me that anniversaries are hard, but that wasn't the case for me. I had many, many harder days in the intervening time. It started to get better after January 1 because I had sort of given myself til then to be as screwed up as I wanted to be, and I was.

I didn't go out; I drank too much; I ate like a supermodel who has lost her Ford Agency contract; I zoned out at work.

But now it is May and I am surrounded by dogwoods and tiny bunnies frolicking in the grass. Every azalea that blooms has my sister in it - she is eternal in that way. The missing her has gotten as bad as it could ever get, I think, and that is a comfort in itself.

22 comments:

Erika Jurney said...

I'm glad that you've found yourself in a good place today.

super des said...

There's nothing I can say to this post, except reinforce what you yourself have said: she is eternal that way. The beauty of your sister lives on in the springtime.

Chris said...

so sorry for your loss.

Mir said...

Sending hugs your way, Suebob. I think Laura would be very happy to hear that it's getting easier.

Hilly said...

If I were there, I would hug you...not only for your loss but also for your outlook on today.

Miss Britt said...

Wow. This was beautiful.

RubiaLala said...

Hugs to you on this day.

How very nice of yourself to give yourself time to grieve in any way necessary. I think that is why you are doing well today.

Kizz said...

And Goldie, you have her too as a reminder of the funnier, simpler times.

Good anniversary to you. I'm so sorry your sister died.

Suzanne said...

Everything Mir said.

debangel said...

I bet Laura thought you were hilariously funny, too. And I'll think of her the next time I see azaleas blooming.

{{hugs}} to you

Andrea said...

I still read pain in your words, but I think in this kind of situation, there will always be pain. If you didn't feel pain, it would be strange. But I'm glad that you've been able to face that pain and accept it for what it is.

I love the image of your sister in the new spring blooms. It makes me smile.

Traceytreasure said...

I wish that my words would take the pain away. I wish it didn't hurt so much when our loved ones leave us behind. I'm so sorry for your loss, Suebob. I had no idea that you've been in so much pain. I'm sending you big hugs!!

gael said...

April Protest by Arthur MacAlpine

There will be other days
as new as this,
with yellow sprays
of sudden mirth,
and rain upon sweetening earth.
You must not let some chilling wind's
profaning kiss
condone its sins
in this dark deed,
as spring calls soft
to the waking seed.

There will be other crowded years,
when this is used,
to taste of tears
and gently fold
away these things
that won't grow old.
You must not give this space to grief,
or leave confused,
however brief,
the April song.
She would have told
you this is wrong.

I am reminded of this poem that was written in the spring when another amazing woman's life was cut way too short.
Maybe Laura and my mom are somewhere sharing stories about their incredible families.
I am glad you are embracing the spring. It is so lovely and you deserve its bounty.

Anonymous said...

Hugs from me. I know how you are feeling. I enjoyed looking back yesterday, remembering good and bad, but you know I don't remember too much bad.
The picture that I love best is the one of you and her at the beach on Silver Strand. I can hear the laughter you two were sharing.
I remember, lots of laughter, smiles and joy and a sister that was loved by all who knew her.
Elvie

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Wow. That is an amazingly healthy acknowledgment of grief.

It sucks that she is gone. I'm glad it gets easier.

Nancy said...

I realized when I saw you last weekend that it was probably coming up on a year since she passed away. I am glad you're seeing the beauty of her spirit and soul as you look around, though I know you still miss her.

mar said...

great tribute to laurabob.
i'm so glad it gets better. i didn't think it ever would when my gran passed away april last year.

g said...

Lovely image, the azaleas. My sympathies are with you.

mamatulip said...

Every azalea that blooms has my sister in it - she is eternal in that way.

Beautiful.

jessica said...

Hugs to you.

Kelly said...

Wow. Three paragraphs bursting with grief, beauty and hope. I can't imagine this kind of loss.

Sister Wolf said...

Blessings to you, my dear. My heart is with you.

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