24 January 2008

I want to tell a story

You KNEW there was more to the spider-bitten butt story than a simple paean to blogging, didn't you? Couldn't you just FEEL it? If you couldn't, dear reader, I'm disappointed in your Sueblog intuition skillz.

Yes. So. I got this spot on my butt. No big deal, everyone gets them, right? Wrong. This thing kept getting bigger and uglier and oh, the horror, the horror.

When I emailed Angela, my sister in all things bitey, it was about the size of a quarter. A big quarter. A big, ugly, red quarter. Which is really rather large for something you sit on all day, n'est pas?

She said her bite (that I forgot she had nicknamed Silas - oh, I love that woman) had gone away on its own.

Part of my issue with my own particular assbiteification was that I couldn't see it really well. It was on a part of my butt that sort of defied examination, being right back there and right down there, so if I twisted about in a yoga pretzel while looking in the mirror, I could get kind of a look but not the close exam I needed to see if I was to observe fang marks.

(Angela claimed you could not see fang marks, at which point I knew I had to make sure of that fact.)

One of the main hazards of being a single woman, besides having an alarming amount of space for lotions in the bathroom cabinet, is that you have no one to say "Hey, come look at this ugly thing on my butt for me!" to. Dang. I knew I was missing out on something.

So in a stroke of Suebobian genius, I decided that I could photograph my butt at high resolution and examine the photo at 300 percent to see the extent of the frightfest.

Of course.

This involved learning to use the timer feature on my camera, finding an appropriate spot, and taking about 40 photos that looked like something from the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist. Or a cellulite cream ad, more likely.

Yes, people of the Internet, this is how a lonely old spinster spends her evenings - photographing spider bites on her butt. You can stop envying my swinging single lifestyle now. The Love Boat...exciting and new...

I finally got a good enough shot to reassure me that I did not need to make a trip to the emergency room. Because you know if I did, the same place that usually has a staff that looks like a bunch of laid-off carnival workers would turn out to have the doctors from Gery's Anatomy on duty, just to all look at my nasty butt sore.

And you know, internets, YOU KNOW it took all my strength not to post it on my blog. I finally decided not to, because, as you can tell, I am trying to cultivate an aura of romance and mystery. How's that working?

21 comments:

Mir said...

I am totally working "assbiteification" into conversation today. Three times and it's mine, you know.

Suzanne said...

It's that aura of romance and mystery that keep me coming back for more, although I must say, a butt picture would be delightful. Your ingenuity also keeps me riveted.

My friend Steph would come over to my apartment to show my things like the bruise that covered her left asscheek after she fell down the stairs entering the subway. When puss was oozing out of a minor surgical scar on my boob 7 years post-op, I had my friend Dr. P look at it. (And since she is a doctor, she even squeezed more goop out of it.) What's a friend for if not to take a peek or poke at an injury in an inconvenient place?

grace said...

Oh my Lord. The coffee, it came out my nose and on to my monitor.

lizgwiz said...

The spiders are out to get us, I think. I ended up in minor emergency back in the fall after a spider bite went crazy on my arm. That was in September, and I still have a small spot of red that hasn't ever gone away.

It makes me angry, since I am a confirmed spider rescuer, and I NEVER kill the damn things, often letting them live in the upper corners of my living room for the express purpose of keeping the gnats and mosquitos at bay. And his is how they repay me!

jessica said...

OK, we were absolutely separated at birth.

Two summers ago I had a spider bite on my hoo-ha. Yes, that's right, snatchbiteification. I also photographed it.

My boyfriend was no help - all he said was, "um, that's gross," so my MOM had to inspect it for me. Nothing like your mom with a flashlight in your lady-parts.

We eventually diagnosed it as the bite of a Common White House Spider, which bite and leave a nasty wound. And, apparently, they like to snuggle up to you while you sleep.... yeah.

mdog said...

the 300% bit got me snorting. omg.

mamatulip said...

From where I'm sitting, it's working pretty good.

one smarmy mama said...

*lulz*

fwiw, SB, if you ever want someone to look at spider bites on your butt, you can email me. Living in creaky old california houses with lots of pets and kids has given me far more experience than I'd like in examining odd bug bites on others. :P I'd take one for the team like that.

Blog Antagonist said...

Snerk. Assbitefication. Yep, that's a keeper.

I had one on my boob not long ago, and I was convinced it was one of those resistant staph things. But did I go to the doctor? No. I just sat around and worried about it. I did consider that it might be a spider bite, God knows there are enough disgusting arachnids down here and now way to keep them out of your house. But I couldn't see puncture wounds either.

I still have no idea what it was. I guess it wasn't flesh eating bacteria though, since I still have a boob.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I needed to "hear" some good stuff today. I enjoyed the laughter I could here. It ended a horrible day perfectly.

rookiemom said...

Is it wrong that I'm totally curious to see your bite now?


Probably.


Such is the madness of the blogosphere.

Laura said...

The term "candid camera" has a whole new meaning now.

smalltownmom said...

My mother-in-law had a nasty spider bite on her arm and now she is paranoid. After she found a spider in her bed, she got rid of her headboard and nightstands, had the whole house sprayed, and is looking at some electronic spider repelling gadget.

Staci Schoff said...

I think it worked well, the whole post I was thinking, please don't post a picture because I REALLY don't need to see that and yet, I won't be ablt to NOT look! ;)

FENICLE said...

Hey, just pray it doesn't get infected :)

Kizz said...

That is EXACTLY what I would have done. Some day remind me to tell you about the time that I squeezed myself into a full slip that I was a little too large for and GOT STUCK INSIDE IT!!!! Who do you call for that when you're single and the dog won't cooperate?

jenny said...

OMG - please tell me you deleted the other 39 photos! You just know they're going to be used as evidence against you when the CIA finally comes for the bloggers!

mar said...

haha! assbiteification! everyone needs a friend who will examine your spider-bitten ass.
mine's just bumpy, as are my legs, due to this nasty dry & frigid winter. agh! everything's so itchy & reading about spiders doesn't help. i swear, s is going to put mittens on my hands to keep me from scratching.

Chantel said...

I wish I could use assbiteification; I'll talk to the boy about it and see if he would be interested in biting me. and, if you posted the pictures your traffic would go through the roof... just encouragement you know.

Christina said...

I'm laughing so hard at the thought of photographing your butt to get a better look. But not just because of the visual of doing that - I'm also laughing because I wish I would have thought of that when I was trying to see how my, uh, "parts" were healing after giving birth. That would have been ten times easier than holding up a hand mirror.

LiteralDan said...

oh great, now I can feel spider bites all over my body... shudder

I, too, love "assbiteification", and I must say the camera idea is brilliant, and much better than my first thought of a hand mirror.

Another one of those precious moments we all have that no one ever shows in the movies...

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