10 December 2007

Be glad you don't live in my head

I believe I have mentioned this before, but I cannot set an alarm clock to save my life. The whole process just baffles me.

You'd think, at my advanced age, that I would have mastered this by now. What on God's green earth is my problem?

I don't need an alarm clock. I never use one. I am an annoyingly light sleeper. Though I appear to be asleep, I am actually in a sort of daze with my eyes closed. Anything from a breeze to a car alarm going off 6 blocks away can awaken me.

(I think I scared my doc when I started talking about the last time I got a good night's sleep: "Oh, I remember it so well - March, 2003, Tempe Arizona for spring training...we were staying at the Sheraton and I slept like a rock.")

I can also awaken myself at any time that I decide the night before. If I say "Wake up at 5:15," I will be awake between 5:12 and 5:17. This has failed about 4 times in 46 years, usually when I am sick as a dog.

Snooze alarm? Screw you. That is a tool of the devil. Once the fucker goes off once, I AM AWAKE and there is no way I am "snoozing."

What is my problem, then? I still get paranoid on nights like tonight, where I have to get up at 3 a.m. to catch a plane.

Despite everything I know about myself, I will nervously awaken every 15 minutes or so to make sure I didn't oversleep. I would love to be able to set an alarm and count on it to wake me up at 3.

But I can't. Because I can't be sure I have set the alarm right. Because I don't need to except maybe once every 3 years.

I hate being me sometimes.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

As an insomniac, I feel you here.... There's no telling what kind of pindrop sound will wake you up next. I envy you the human alam clock system- mine only works on special occasions.
Maya (Chock Late)

Lisa said...

I do the same thing before a flight or a big day where I know it will be emotionally or physically demanding. Can completely understand.

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh God, that is so me. I finally got a script for sleep meds because otherwise, I will not sleep the night before a big event. Like, not. at. all. I only use them for that though. Otherwise, I would become completely dependant on them. Not good.

jessica213.blogspot.com said...

We are the same person!
My mother says I have not slept a night through in my entire life. I wake up several times a night, and if I HAVE to be up early, I will not sleep at all and then be a freaking mess the next day.

When I had surgery last year, they put the mask on me and said "go to sleep" about 12 times before I finally went out - the doctor was actually laughing about the fact that I wouldn't go out. And when I woke up, I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and not at all drugged up. I was like, "Hey, can I have some ice-cream??"

one smarmy mama said...

omg, me too. I thought I was the only one...I too can pretty much just tell myself what time to wake up and it happens. I don't even really have to TELL myself, it's just that if I know I have to be up at 6:30, then at 6:24 I'm up and looking at the clock.

AB said...

I had a friend in college who could do that...you know...give herself a pre-sleep memo to wake up at a certain time. I was amazed at her ability.

http://wordgirl5.typepad.com/apathy_lounge

Kris said...

Oh, but I do live in your head. If I have to do something the next day (or ass-early in the a.m.) and have to get up at an unusual time, I wake up to check my alarm and the time every freaking 15 minutes. I, also, have a dysfunction when it comes to my alarm clock. The paranoia picks at me all night long. Did I set it for P.M. rather than A.M.? Did I set it at all? What if we lose power? Blahdy blahdy blahdy. Insane in my own head.

Average Jane said...

I have the whole internal alarm clock thing, too. I used to be able to sleep solidly for an entire night, but I find that I'm getting less and less sleep with each passing year. In other words, I'm turning into my dad. Gah!

marian said...

Ah, quite the double bind, there, missy! I use both, (internal and external) unreliably, but manage to make it out of bed most mornings on time.

Kevin Charnas said...

I can do the same thing. If I lie down and want to wake in 20 minutes, or 6 hours, I do and I will.

And I can also take a shit in the middle of a freeway if need be...

just another hidden talent of mine.

Christina said...

I'm the same way. Any little noise wakes me up. I don't really sleep, I think - I just close my eyes and pay not quite as much attention.

SUEB0B said...

Wow. I never realized. Insomniacs, unite. But freeway pooping...not so much. Kevin, you are a man of amazing talents.

Jessica said...

I love the title of your post! I too am a fellow insomniac. I feel you.

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