19 November 2007

Birthday/Not birthday

I was standing at the counter between the dining room and kitchen of my parents’ house, the counter where the phone and calendar and address book sit.

 

I glanced down at the calendar, upon which my mother lists everyone’s birthdays and ages.

 

Nov. 26: Laura – 57

 

My chest instantly tightened and my eyes filled. I blinked hard and tried to keep breathing, talking, carrying on conversation with my parents while drums pounded in my ears.

 

Nov. 26 is my sister’s birthday. Was. It isn’t her birthday anymore. Is it? She won’t ever reach 57. That’s what stabbed me so hard. The wrongness of that number.

 

One part of me wanted to erase it, that 57. The other part of me just doesn’t know what to do.

 

 

 

 

18 comments:

mamatulip said...

I know the feeling. I felt the same way when my mom's first birthday after her death loomed.

I wish I could think of something more profound and comforting to say other than 'I'm thinking of you'...but it's the truth. I am.

Mir said...

We lose those we love in little pieces, when they go too soon. I hope you'll do something she would've loved on her birthday. I'll be thinking of you both.

Anonymous said...

I'm having the same problem. My calendar says it too.
Elvie

Mrs. Chicky said...

Every first is hard. Really hard. I'd like to say it gets easier but I'm still waiting for that to happen myself.

Celebrate her birthday anyway, in a way she would have liked.

Count Mockula said...

Oh, Suebob, you're sad and it's not even Friday. Well, virtual hugs to you. That must have felt like a punch to the gut.

Kizz said...

So sorry.

Eden said...

I say that a birthday is always a birthday and is always a celebration of a person and her life. It might be a good thing to observe her birthday in a way that does just that :)

Staci Schoff said...

Suebob I'm so sorry that you have to miss your sister when she was much too young to have to leave you.

one smarmy mama said...

maybe it can be the anniversary of when her family began loving her. and in that case, that number will never stop, so 57 is appropriate........it's been 57 years since her family started loving her. and next year it will be 58.......it'll be ok to get that number bigger.

Suzanne said...

Mir's advice is good.

Andrea said...

I think it's still her birthday, the day the world was improved by her arrival. It's still okay to celebrate the beginning of her life. And I like the suggestion of thinking of it as the day her family started loving her.

Thinking peaceful thoughts for you, dear.

Jhianna said...

Everyone already said it better than I could. Do what you need to and know she'd want you to be happy.

debangel said...

What a sucker punch to the gut. I'm sorry =(

QT said...

Suebob - I agree with those that say celebrate the day and remember her on the day her life started rather than the day it ended.

I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. I feel lame saying that, but it is so true.

MsLittlePea said...

oh you! It will always be her birthday. I hope you do something she would've loved too.

Heather B. said...

I hate when I can only offer a crappy (virtual) hug with a side of tanqueray and tonic, but that's all I've got. So I'll just say that I'm thinking of you and leave it at that.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I never calculate how old my mom would be if she were still alive because I feel like it's a reminder of how life has gone on without her... and thinking about how much she's missing makes me really sad.

I really like one smarmy mama's viewpoint. I will try to think of my mom's birthday from that perspective instead.

Lara said...

Oh, this made me want to cry. I'm so sorry.

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