04 September 2007

How long, o Lord, how long?

I have been mostly avoiding writing about my grief over my sister's death.

It is just generally too tedious for public consumption, isn't it? I mean, the world wants you to Move On and Be Better, but that doesn't always happen on a neat little timeline.

Today my mom was saying that she hoped my brother-in-law would find a nice lady to spend his life with.

On the surface, I could agree. He certainly deserves all the love and fine companionship in the world.

But the other part of me was screaming inside "GOD YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU? IF YOU THINK MY SISTER CAN BE GOTTEN OVER IN 3 MONTHS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHE WAS."

And I'm thinking this about my own mom, my sister's mom. I know she is trying to be nice, to think of my brother-in-law.

But the hole in my universe is so much bigger than that. It isn't something that can be ignored or stepped over. It is shocking to me that my mom doesn't see it, doesn't feel it the same way I do.

Of course she is in her 80s and feels ready to die herself (she has told me so), so her perspective is different.

And I think my sister was probably ready to die, but that doesn't mean I was ready for her to.

(Weird about this post: it labeled ITSELF "God." I swear I had nothing to do with that. I went back and erased it because it was freaking me out.)

18 comments:

QT said...

Did you know we share more DNA with siblings than we do with parents?

Three months would not be long enough for me if it was my sister.

If that is any consolation. You are in my thoughts, friend.

One Scrappy Gal said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. :( You're right... you can't just get over loss when the universe wants you too. Everyone heals in their own time... in their own way. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Maybe this quote will offer some solace: death leaves a pain that only time can heal, love leaves memories no one can steal.

A lurker

BetteJo said...

Grieving is a very personal thing, so you do what you need to. There is no scale to measure it, just like there is no scale to measure how much you loved your sister.

You have to allow yourself to feel it, to heal. Wishing you peace - when it is time to feel it.

VenturaMom from said...

As the resident dead family member expert, I can say with authority you will NEVER get over it. You will be DIFFERENT. Your family will be DIFFERENT. Every holiday will be DIFFERENT. It's up to you to find a way to weave your memories of your sister into the fabric of your life. Does it mean a shrine/altar in your house? Does it mean talking about her randomly (Ohhh my sister loved biscotti!)? Does it mean telling God you are still pissed off? Whatever works sister. Just stop avoiding writing about it. Maybe it could be a weekly post titled Things My Dead Sister Loved. Humor helps but so does a good cry and a bunch of gin. Hang in there, Suebob.

PunditMom said...

The holes left by those I loved who have died never go away, but I don't notice them as much some days. Hang in there.

mothergoosemouse said...

I can certainly understand your reaction to what your mother said. Three months would be too soon for me to hear that too.

Thinking of you, knowing it's painful now and will continue to be.

Suzanne said...

I would/will never get over it if/when my sister dies. I totally understand, although I don't think your mom necessarily meant that your brother-in-law will find a new nice lady tomorrow. I guess it will always seem to soon to you, though, which is exactly how I would feel. Much empathy.

Andrea said...

Take what time you need. Three months seems short. Some people take years, although I hope some peace about her death finds you before years go by. But it takes as long as it takes.

It's good that you can intellectually see that you mom may have a different perspective because of her own circumstances and age, but believing in what she says is another thing entirely.

Peace to you, SB.

mamatulip said...

I would have had the same reaction to what your mother said, too.

It's true that people want you to Move On and Get Better but that's not how life is, unfortunately. It's not that easy...sometimes I wish it were.

Lisa said...

I can see your point. Three months is not a very long time at all...

Sending you hugs.

MsLittlePea said...

There's no time line for grief. Write about it as much as you need to. It's not a tedious topic at all. I don't know anyone who can't understand loss and I don't think I would ever be the same if I lost any of my siblings.

Count Mockula said...

As commenter #12, all I can say is that I agree with everyone else. It's okay to still have a hole in your universe. It's okay to talk about it.

Elvie said...

Sue,
You have the words to explain our hurt, loss and love we felt for her. Please use them. You help all of us put things into the light. She has been here directing me and my yard. You know how she loved that. No geranimums.

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh God, I would be destroyed if my sister died. She is younger than me, and it would just be so wrong. Plus, she is truly my best friend. I would feel exactly the same as you. What is three months when you've shared a lifetime together?? I'm sorry about your sister. I can't even contemplate.

Mom101 said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Suebob. The pain may lessen but the heart is still heavy.

TB said...

Grief is such not a linear thing. It goes forward and back and twists and turns and doubles back on itself. Three months is not long in the grand scheme of things Suebob. You knew her your whole life.
Just wanted to let you know I get it. And I don't expect you to move on.

Mrs. Chicken said...

I understand what you mean, but I compulsively write about my grief. It has been three years and I still feel it. Just not to the same degree.

Write about it all you want. I'll listen.

fog City Mommy said...

hey sue,

drop me a line. I come from that counseling background.

Rach

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