10 June 2006

Meme of the Month

I found this meme over at Le Sophie

Band for a Lifetime:
Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs. I picked Jonathan Richman. His titles are so great that this meme could have gone a thousand different ways.

1. Are you male or female?

2. Describe yourself.
Her Mystery Not of High Heels and Eyeshadow

3. How do some people feel about you?
Hey There Little Insect

4. How do you feel about yourself?
Behold the Lilies of the Field

5. Describe your ex:
You Can't Talk to the Dude

6. Describe your current significant other:
Fender Stratocaster

7. Describe where you want to be:
Give Paris One More Chance

8. Describe how you live:
You Must Ask the Heart

9. Describe how you love:
I'm So Confused

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?
Satisfied Mind

11. Share a few words of wisdom:
Not So Much to Be Loved as to Love

12. Now say goodbye:
Fly into the Mystery

09 June 2006

Bad dogs bad dogs, whatcha gonna do?

Another walk, another attacking dog. Well, two attacking dogs.

What is it with these rampaging dogs this week? I am getting so paranoid that I am about ready to lock myself indoors and suck down some Tanqueray and tonic...oh, wait, I AM already locked indoors with the gin and tonic, nevermind.

So much for my vow to quit drinking. Get off my back, it's Friday! Why are you always nagging me about my drinking? I don't have a problem, I don't, I don't, honesht. I love ya, man, have I ever told you that?

Anyway, here's today's tale of dog evil: my dear Goldie and I were walking on the trail by the park when we saw an Akita and a pit bull, no owner in sight, attack two dogs that an older couple was walking. I mean, attack. The pit bull grabbed the older dog, a golden retriever, by the throat and forced her to the ground, while the Akita fiercely bit at the other dog. The people beat off the attacker dogs with these big heavy leashes they had. Then the dogs came after me and Goldie.

I was frantically looking for a stick but I couldn't find one. I hurled a big rock at them, missing by 10 feet, of course, because I am such a weenie-girl. The adrenaline kicked in and I got aggressive as they rushed up to us. I stood tall and stomped my feet and waved my arms and yelled like a fool maniac.

They slowed down but still came toward us.

When they got within rance, I kicked the Akita in the head. It was a beautiful round kick that my self-defense teacher would have been so proud of. I really landed that sucker. It has been about 15 years since I kicked somebody in the head like that.

I felt practically like the lovely Taekwondo Junior Olympian, Maya, seen kicking ass in this video over at Mad Organica.

The Akita turned and ran, and the pit bull glared at us for one more minute (I could not bring myself to kick him, given the size of his huge maw) and then followed.

I know kicking dogs is wrong. I'm a vegetarian, for goodness sake. I won't even hurt a pork chop. But sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do - and sometimes that is to open a can of whupass on a stupid pig-eyed Akita.

Two new posts, including one all-video edition, over at Linkateria.

07 June 2006

Champion of Disgusting

You mom bloggers have diapers and drool. But do you have a coprophagic dog who burps a lot?

I didn't think so.

The real action is over at Linkateria today. I can't think of better stuff than that.

06 June 2006

Angry, ugly, loud...me

Goldie and I took a walk tonight. It was uneventful until we were about 200 yards from leaving the park to come home when a big brown and white dog - pit and boxer mix, it looked like - rushed us.

Aggressive, tail up and still, off leash, it charged right up on Goldie, who was OF COURSE on her leash.

Goldie is not one to run from a fight - she is an Alpha girl through and through (I have no idea where she gets that from).

People at a house across the street began calling the dog, kind of feebly.

"Get your f***ing dog," I yelled helpfully and, oh, one might say a bit forcefully. Ok, I sounded like the drill sergeant in "Full Metal Jacket."

The dog kept charging. I did something I learned from my dear Dad, the WWII vet who has a way with animals.

I made The Big Noise. This is a noise that comes all the way up from your guts and is easily understood by animals, children and anyone else within a mile radius.

"HAH!" I yelled. "GIT! HAH!"

And the dog turned tail and ran. I was pleased with my work up to that point.

Then the dog came back. I proceeded to yell bigger and longer, but this time he would not be persuaded. He had seen through my yelling act.

Along came Miss Skinny Tattoo, apparently the dog's owner. "Quit yelling! You're freaking them out!"

Precisely what I was trying to do, I thought.

"Why are you yelling?" she whined. I am not making this up. She was whining. It was a kind of new-agey, "You're collecting bad karma" kind of thing.

I gave her the opposite explanation than the obvious ("Because you are a jerk with a big aggressive off leash dog") "She can be really mean," I said.

"Why do you have her in a public park, then," she asked.

Let us stop here. This is my favorite part. Don't you just LOVE Miss Skinny Tattoo? Her dog is off leash. Her dog is attacking my dog. And I somehow am the cause of this problem.

I am imagining her as a mother in the principal's office with her kindergardner: "Principal Skinner, I want you to tell me why all the other kids keep sticking their heads in the way of Johnny's wooden blocks."

I said "Why is your dog off leash?" and of course she did not answer. She grabbed her dog's collar and went off muttering and then I heard her whining again to her male friend "She was FREAKING out."

Yes, I was. And I will freak out again if I have to, to protect my lovely Goldie. Spiritual mastery will have to take a back seat to preventing another $1600 emergency vet bill.

I continue to pimp my new blog Linkateria. A perfect mixture of salty and sweet.

05 June 2006

I have been looking around the BlogHer website to find out who is going to attend and I found something shocking: there are going to be men at BlogHer. Huh?

I mean, I suppose they can't discriminate but the event IS called BlogHer, is it not? And isn't the tag line "Where the women bloggers are?"

Who are these guys and WHY ARE THEY INVADING my sistahood? I'm actually feeling pretty mad at these men. I feel like they have a lot of damn nerve.

Either that or they are clueless, the type of guys that are thinking "Well, I'm not like all those other guys - I'm cool." You know, that same thought that privileged people always have when they think they are being cool by hanging out with the historically oppressed people.

You would think I would be more advanced, more calm, less prejudiced. Like all the worst bigots say "After all, some of my best friends are (insert group here)." Really, some of my best friends are men. Most of them, as a marrafack.

But still. Can't we have ONE weekend alone? A weekend for just the gals? Puh-leeeze? I'm not saying BlogHer should ban men. There are probably legal issues involved. I am saying men should, of their own volition and kindness, stay home and give us a break.

Here's my issue with the BlogDudes: the presence of one man in a group of women, no matter how large the group is, changes the dynamic markedly. We have grown up in such a sexist and divided culture that women almost automatically defer to men, praise men's contributions more highly than those of women, and pay more attention to men.

I'm not blaming the men or the women. I'm just saying that's the way it is. I have seen it in action over and over again.

Two examples: I volunteer at an all-woman organization. A couple times a year we have guest speakers, usually a mixed group of men and women. From the time the men walk in the door, the energy in the room shifts so that the focus is all on the men. What wonderful speakers they are! How fabulous it is that they have come to help lil' ol' us. And so handsome to boot! It goes from being an egalatarian group to a group that is headed, temporarily at least, by the men in the room.

I took a women's self defense class. Three female instructors, three female assistants and two male instructors. After each round of fighting, we went around the circle so everyone could make comments. The male instructors always received gushing comments about how thankful the students were to have them there, while the female instructors almost never did. I may have never noticed it, but one of the female instructors pointed it out as an important part of our training: we are trained to defer to men. This makes us more vulnerable to attack because we lose our power that way.

I suppose this is what I am afraid of when I feel my stomach squinch up at the thought of men attending BlogHer. I feel that, if men are there, it will once again be The Man Show. For one weekend, I would like to have it be different. I don't want to have to think about male-female dynamics. I don't want to have to change my behavior, and I don't want to notice myself changing my behavior without doing it consciously.

I have spewed forth. What do you all think?

My new link blog is Linkateria.

Technology Folly

From the Not Clear on the Concept file

I went to a meeting on Saturday where there was supposed to be a PowerPoint presentation. The projector did not, however, show up.

The speaker read the slides one by one, word for word, saying, "Here in slide 3 we see the historical trends..." etc.

Adapt or die, people. Adapt or die.

04 June 2006

Smut-free cookies

As promised, while I take a break from mowing the maldita lawn:

Brown Sugar Cookies with Sesame Seeds
This recipe came from the China Moon Cookbook by genius chef Barbara Tropp. She passed away far too early a few years ago.

Hint: Buy the sesame seeds in the bulk section of your natural foods market. The ones in the spice jars will cost you waaaaay too much. This is also pretty with those black asian sesame seeds.

1 stick cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces.
1/4 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup flour
1/4 cup sesame seeds

Using your most powerful mixer, cream together the butter and brown sugar until light and fluffy, about 4 minutes. Add the flour and mix for another couple minutes until it is all well-blended. Gather the dough together and make a flat disk out of it.

Dust a large sheet of parchment paper or rolling mat with flour and roll the dough out to about 1/4 inch thick. Dip a pastry brush in water and lightly brush the dough all over. Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the dough and press them down a bit.

Cover the dough with plastic wrap and refrigerate for about an hour.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and move the rack to the middle of the oven. Line baking sheets with parchment or silpat mats. Cut the dough into shapes. You can just make little rectangles or use cookie cutters. I like small hearts myself.

Bake for 15 to 17 minutes, just until the edges start to brown slightly. Cool on wire racks.

Check out my new link blog, Linkateria
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