18 September 2006

File under "TMI"

Enough thoughtful posts. Yikes. It seems like forever since I have done anything lighthearted and stupid. I guess I have been saving all the humor for Linkateria and getting all down and serious here.

Here's my question of the day: is it possible that I fart more than any other living human being? I think if there is some kind of Guinness Book of Records thing, I could apply. How would they monitor that? The process CAN'T be pleasant. But I bet I would win.

WTF is it? I don't think it is diet. My mom said that, even as a newborn in the hospital, I was a colossal farter. She said I made the nurses turn and look. Now THAT is talent, folks. As Rush Limbaugh would say, "talent on loan from God." Curiously, Rush and I have the same type of talent - spewing hot, unwanted air. Global warming? All my fault.

All I know is that it made my participation in World Day of Prayer on Thursday an exercise in clenchiness. It was my first time of sitting for a long time in a silent room of people...after having gone for the Mexican food at lunch...I was praying, all right, but I don't know if it did the world any good. I was praying for silence. My own. Thank you, God. You came through in a pinch.

23 comments:

Amanda said...

that totally made me chuckle.

Kristin said...

Suebob, this post is evidence that you are a bravely evolving woman. In your previous post you talked about shushing yourself, but here you just came right out with it. Literally and figuratively!

super des said...

The key is the Mexican food. Also the vegetarianism. We fart a lot.

Heather B. said...

"Curiously, Rush and I have the same type of talent - spewing hot, unwanted air."

Ha! That was awesome.

jonniker said...

Dude, I posted this a few months ago myself, and got some very interesting responses! It was suggested to me that it is a) the way I eat (taking in too much air, which: gross, and I do NOT chew with my mouth closed) or, b) I gulp when I drink, or c) Artificial sweeteners, and dude, I think there is something to c). I cut out my consumption of them pretty dramatically, and lo, there has been a reduction in farts.

Eden said...

It is impossible. My husband and all his family members would trump you. He says it's genetic. I say I have to find a less explosive meatloaf recipe.

cameo said...

nope, i fart more than you. doing it right now as a matter of fact! wrote a post about all the different types of farts awile back too.
had an acupuncturist tell me i had good chi flow and that's why i farted all the time. hmm. okay.

Mignon said...

Okay here's the deal: I have an advanced degree in the Art of Fart too, and I think I've got it figured out. First, I have many many many food allergies. They don't make me get hives or make my throat swell up, but they DO give me indigestion and make me fart. Milk, chicken, apples, fresh vegetables, you name it. Milk is a huge culprit, though. Secondly, I can't burp, which makes all the tummy bubbles clamor to escape my ass. Do you have that second one too? I bet you anything you've got the first. I think I tooted at least twice while writing this comment...

Suzanne said...

hee hee hee. I just got the Rush Limbaugh thing. Originally I was like, "What?!?! Suebob's hot air is the best." Then the pun hit me. Masterfully done, I must say. (And I did not notice anything gassy about you when we met.)

meno said...

Thank you for that, i feel better about myself.
For a while i tried keeping a food diary to see what precipitated the worst attacks, but the pages got blown away in the middle of one.

It's good to be #1 at something.

MrsFortune said...

Bean-o? I love their slogan. Take beano and there'll be no gas. Get it? Hahaha. My kid might have you beat, though. :0)

A lady in Chicago said...

That's God for you!

mothergoosemouse said...

I don't know about you, but ribs do a number on Kyle's system. Worse than Mexican, worse than broccoli, worse than sauerkraut.

kerrianne said...

I still remember the day my sister and I learned the "Beans! Beans! The magical fruit!" song. I bet my mom still remembers, too. ;)

But I personally think expelling gas is much! better than keeping it locked inside. That just can't be healthy. :)

Red Rollerskate said...

Ok, I was glad to hear someone else admit this. My hubby is always teasing me about how extremely farty I am. And I DON'T have food allergies, don't gulp air (that I know of), don't eat lots of beans and broccoli, and am no longer a vegetarian. So I have no excuse, really. I will say, though, that my chiropractor gave me x-rays, and he said that it was the "gassiest woman's x-ray" he had ever seen. That was nice to know.

SUEB0B said...

Wow. It seems I have a lot of competition. Thank you, everyone, for your admissions about your emissions.

I may gulp air. My ma always complains that I eat too fast. But I know it isn't ribs. No meat since 1986. It's my 20 year vegiversary!!

I am happy about the good chi flow, though. Others may not appreciate my chi so much.

Nut's mom said...

my six month old lets them rip louder then anyone I know. when he does it (in church during prayer none the less!) everyone looks at me and I point at the kid. It oesn't help win over the church crowd, let me tell ya. but who cares? I am an atheist!

night!

Holly Capote said...

Damn, you're funny, girl!

VenturaMom said...

Oprah said (yes, Sue, I just began a comment with 'Oprah said') that people fart on average 17 times a day. So Oprah and George Bush and all the rest of us are tooting right along with you.

gandhi rules said...

lol, you are hilarious.

TB said...

I used to think I held that title, but now pregancy has taken it to a whole new level. I'm starting to scare myself.

Karl said...

Ha, you crack me up.

Get it?

Crack?

SUEB0B said...

Karl - how nice to see you here!

Ventura mom -17 times 10 you mean.
Hey, we still have to get together for manicures, since I am too chicken to do it on my own. GIrly things scare me.

Back to top