If you read this blog regularly, you know some stuff about me: I am goofy about my dog; I am childless and a crazy single spinster by choice; I have two jobs, one of which is not that much fun but pays the bills and the other that is Too Much Fun and doesn't.
What you may have failed to realize from my writing is that I am the perfect picture of poise and grace. I know, it is hard to convey such a thing in this medium, but trust me - I am a lovely combination of Audrey Hepburn and Miss Manners, with maybe a touch of Princess Diana thrown in (the AIDS-baby hugging Princess Di, not the late-night anorexic party slut Princess Di).
Here is a perfect example: I was leaving work today and I was hungry, due to my failure to make a decent lunch for myself. I had a bag of the highly addictive Trader Joe's Banana Crisps in my car and decided to open them as I left the parking lot.
The package was one of those tough little bitches to open. Impossible to tear. But I was hungry and couldn't wait. I needed an implement. In my 100 degree car, I grabbed the nearest sharp and pointy thing - a blue pen. I took off the cap and stabbed it into the plastic bag, thus releasing an arc of hot blue ink spray all over the immediate area (including my neck, as I discovered later in the bathroom at the restaurant where I had gone with my family for dinner).
I looked for something to mop up the ink with. I had just cleaned all of the wadded up tissues out of my purse a few hours earlier, and had been feeling quite tidy and virtuous. I searched around the car, but all I could find was an Always Extra Long Maxi-Pad with wings. What the hell. You gotta work with what you have.
I opened it and mopped up all the blue spots I could find. Then I looked down at the pad in my hand. I realized that I had unwittingly re-created the wet pad they always show you commercials - the one that always causes me to ask "Do they really think women leak blue window washing fluid?"
Yes, dear readers. Class and elegance, that is how I shall ever be remembered.
Am I going to pimp Linkateria every single day? Why, yes I am. Because it is full of great stuff, that's why. And today it is especially hilarious.